A Modest Proposal for Your Church Plans (If It’s Sunday …)

As someone who invested large tracts of childhood developing my multi-layered post-traumatic stress and foggy thought by attending churches (thanks Mom & Dad!), I encourage you to do something different this Sunday. Read a book. No, not that one. Had you really paid attention to all the horrors and glaring contradictions, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now. Perhaps try Candide by Voltaire. Read it. Then write a compelling book report. Only then can we ever take your arguments (theological or otherwise) seriously. Don’t forget an adequate source of light! No, not that one. Yes, mythological luminescence choking on metaphors engineered for slow children is certainly powerful, but let’s save that for a rainy day, shall we? I mean literal light, like from the sun or from the light bulbs Tesla … what? … sure, whatever … like Edison invented. Cheers! What? No, I won’t be praying for you. You’ll be praying for me? (sigh) Jesus, is attention deficit some kind of holy sacrament in your cult, or religion or Benevolent Society for Judging the Different?! No, I wasn’t actually speaking to your “lord and personal savior”. I was taking my neighbor’s name in vain. Yes, shame on me, as my neighbor is actually a pretty nice guy once you get to know him. He’s pretty busy with his landscaping business and taking the kids to soccer practice, though, otherwise I’d introduce you and see how he feels about the whole taking his name in vain atrocity. Anyway, please read a bit more literature before you invite anyone else to your “super cool laid back church with coffee better than Starbucks”. The future of basic human decency just might depend on it …

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